By Ryan Molenkamp, painter and security chief at the Frye Art Museum, printed his insider top 10 list with his unfortunately unlinkable story, Basic Training for the Avant Guard, in Seattle City Arts, April edition.
10. What is the most expensive piece here?
9. I should show my art here; can I see the curator?
8. Did you ever see Night at the Museum?
7. I’ve got this painting. (Describes work vaguely, typically forgetting the artist’s name.) Can you tell me how much it is worth?
6. Why is it so hot in here?
5. Why is it so cold in here?
4. Do you get bored?
3. Why can’t I bring my coffee in?
2. Has anyone ever stolen anything?And, of course:
1. Where’s the bathroom?
Molenkamp’s Web site here.
Ah, Regina! I’ve only just tumbled to your new blog-home (been out of town) and I’m so glad to see you here. Lucky ArtsJournal, lucky us!
10) You, the visitor. We treat you with thick velvet Mickey Mouse gloves. Were it not for Amnesty International potentially complaining like a lowing cow, we’d hang you in this gallery.
9) You can see the curator through some rather thick plexi. However, it’s not clear as to which side of the cage you will be. By the way, curators tend to be exhibitionists.
8) It’s the inverse to Day Of The Triffids?
7) It’s worth far less than you hoped for, and far more than you need.
6) It’s only momentary. Alcohol provides that sensation as blood vessels dilate. Did you spend $5 for a beer in the museum cafe?
5) That is the precursor to hypothermia, my friend, after the alcohol caused blood vessel dilation. (After you pass out, I’ll have at your wallet under the guise of CPR.)
4) Dude, I get so bored that I come around 180 degrees to Sufi like ecstasy. Then something happens: I see some fool who cannot resist touching the art.
3) It’s not for the reason most people find painfully obvious upon easy reflection, which is potential damage to art. Rather, we have documented instances of hyper-loquacious visitors biting their tongues off in a caffeine induced seizure. It then falls upon the guard to spear and place the still wagging appendage, dripping, into the trash, where it continues to opine.
2) Museums and tombs have something in common. But I prefer an odalisque anytime to a corpse. But there’s no Turkish Bath by Ingres here. Now that’s some hot stuff. So, to answer your question, nothing has been stolen from here ’cause there ain’t no booty hangin’ out. Seattle is an affection starved town. I mean, Gerhard Richter is flush with Teutonic coolness. It would be an inside job, anyway…
1) Across the street at The Lusty Lady.
Hi Regina
RE: not linking, we’ll link to all these wonderful things once we’ve archived the month’s issue… but we think having links to everything prevents people from picking up the magazine the month it comes out… Maybe after we are around a little longer we will link to everything…
Glad to find your new home.
best
e
Working at an antique print gallery, I get #7 all day every day by phone, email, and in person. Sometimes I feel like I should just be replaced by a recording device that says over and over, “No, I don’t think it’s possible that you found a long lost Leonardo in your uncle’s bomb shelter in Tacoma.”