My mother always told me “if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” Maybe your mother did, too.
This, however, can be a challenge in our little industry, because we are dealing with…artistic types…and they always need to be told something. I’ll never forget the cellist who cold-called me and opened with, “This is So-And-So; have you heard of me?” I had not. A couple weeks ago, I was asked if I had come to an artist’s show, by the artist. “I did,” I said, then blinked blankly a couple times. If I went and had liked it, would I not have provided a compliment without provocation? You can’t really lie–well, I can’t really lie (insert publicist jab __here__)–but tell me, Mom, what do I say when I don’t have anything nice to say but have to say anything?
Back in February, The New York Times ran an ad for the Gergiev Mahler Symphony concerts at Lincoln Center in the Sunday Arts + Leisure section. I didn’t see it–someone who’s behind in their Times reading with a scanner send it to me!–but it came up in a meeting. Apparently, the ad included the line, “You’ve never heard Mahler like this before!” This is amazing, of course, because be the Mahler brilliant or be it an unmitigated disaster, you’ve never heard it like this.
My all-time favorite post-concert comment comes from an artist friend: after a composer’s truly terrible premiere, my friend said, “Well, that was honest music.” A publicist colleague at the meeting where the Mahler ad was discussed said her go-to backstage line is, “Well you just looked fabulous.” That’s like, “How was your date?” “He had nice teeth.”
Tom Morris, artistic director of the Ojai Festival among many other things, trumped us all, though, with a list. And lucky for you, gentle readers, he said I could post it.
TOP TEN THINGS TO SAY (NOT TO SAY) TO A CONDUCTOR BACKSTAGE
1. “You should have been in the audience”
2. “Superb is not the word”
3. “Wow!”
4. “Leonard Bernstein never did it like that”
5. “I heard things in that performance I’ve didn’t even know were in the piece.”
6. “I’m speechless”
7. “I really loved the last note.”
8. “You did it again.”
9. “Now I understand”
10. “Fascinating!”
So you’re welcome: now you can go into at least ten terrible concerts armed with euphemism.
As a composer I’ve been to many concerts where not only my own music was being performed but the music of my contemporaries – and others, of course, has been performed as well. There are some other comments that can be said when you’re at a loss for words … some that I’ve used myself and would be more than pleased to see them used by others:
(I used to think that life was too short to listen to bad music. Apparently the rest of the world’s composers didn’t get that memo.)
1) I didn’t realize such a performance was possible. (Beware – some performers might see through this one, depending on the performance!)
2) You know, I was so moved by the performance I’m truly at a loss for words. (yeah, so moved I almost lost consciousness …).
3) Oh, believe me, nothing I can say would be able to top that performance. (Again, watch how this one is used – avoid a sarcastic tone.)
4) I’m sure everyone in the audience felt as strongly about the performance as I did. (If a chandelier can be arranged to fall at this point, all the better.)
5) Oh, I’m sorry, I can’t buy one of your CDs … I’m afraid my mother/sister/brother/father [whichever relative is appropriate] is having surgery and I just can’t afford the extra expense. (Since many concerts sell recordings from the performers after performances … Good grief, now that we’ve heard them, must we endure a recording of this? Oh God, no ….)
… and my favourite … 6) Performance? Oh, I’m sorry, I must have dozed off. (Hey, the older I get, the more reasonable this response becomes ….).
This reminds me of a New York Philharmonic promotional campaign sometime during the Loren Maazel administration.
The flyer featured a jowly (probably scowling) Maazel in front of the ensemble–no doubt conjuring up one of his infamous musical “affectations”. Below the photo appeared this message: “It doesn’t get any better than this!”
My husband and I shared a few laughs after getting this in the mail, realizing that one could take this to mean either that this is the absolute musical pinnacle or that, given the combination pictured, improving upon the product is futile. Ha!
“We had GREAT seats.”