Thanks for making my life easier

I was dragged to Bed [why is there no comma here?] Bath & Beyond by a friend this weekend,  and while he was sticking his face in front of on-sale fans, I wandered around and tried not to buy anything. A veritable Queen of Spending on things I don’t need (my KitchenAid Citrus Juicer Stand Mixer Attachment, Equally Productive with Citrus Fruits of All Sizes is still in its box), Bed Bath & Beyond is a death trap for me. “You’re right: my shoe rack does not have embedded moth balls. I should get another one.” “I have some knifes and don’t especially like apples, but why wouldn’t I want that apple cutter that also serves as a refrigerator magnet?”

I am fascinated by the number of totally unnecessary products that exist in the world and how they are marketed. Here are some of the things I witnessed but did not purchase. Victory is mine.

The Onion Saver and the Garlic Saver, which promise to keep cut onions and garlic “fresh and moist” and also to block odor. One might ask in what ways a Ziplock baggie is inferior for this pursuit.

Onto a product called Simply Strawberries, guaranteed to hull (??), strain and slice your strawberries. I like strawberries as much as the next guy–or so I thought—but could someone possibly justify buying a device that’s exclusive to that berry? A coffee machine, fine: many people drink coffee every day. But who thinks, “You know what would really speed up my morning routine? Something that hulls my daily serving of strawberries for me.”

The hits just keep on coming. Here are more superior Ziplock bags:

And a cleaning “system” that cannot possibly be that different from Windex and a feather duster. Or like, a cut-up old t-shirt.

This 100 Calorie Snack trend drives me bonkers. Just don’t eat a whole candy bar! Or, again, utilize the Ziplock bag and just bring a set amount of chips to work rather than a whole bag. Is there some anti-little plastic baggie plot I don’t know about?

And now the pièce de résistance of the Bed Bath & Beyond Unnecessary Things Collection: the Turbie Twist.

Take a break from answering the e mails that piled up over Labor Day and watch the demo video on the Turbie Twist website. Note how you will be able to jump on a bed in a robe and towel if you buy the Turbie Twist. Also please see the testimonial from Dawn M.:

I think this is the best invention ever made. It sure has made my life easier not having to worry about wrapping a towel on my head and having it fall off all the time…Thanks for making my life easier. You are a genius!!!

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I was a history major at school and wrote my undergrad thesis was on social commentary musicals during The Great Depression. We had to take this methods class, and the professor who ran it was a highly-regarded crazy person. One of the assignments was to write a one-sentence description of our topics. Mine went something like this, “During the worst economic depression of our nation’s history, the focus on the arts by the WPA and various labor unions proved that art is a life necessity.”  We all had to criticize eachother’s statements, and one particularly grating lad (who now of course writes for The Huffington Post) called me out on the use of “life necessity.” Food, water, shelter are life necessities, he argued, not the arts, and suggested I change my language to “of the utmost importance.” I was ready to accept that when the professor started shouting at him in my defense. As previously stated, she was/is a crazy person.

In the grand scheme of food, water and shelter, of course my methods nemesis was right: the arts aren’t a “necessity.” But in that vein, neither is anything in Bed Bath & Beyond, or in most of the places where we spend the most money. No one needs to go to a concert or to buy a CD. No one needs to go to a museum. As with the Turbie Twist, though, it’s our job to convince the masses that the arts will improve their lives and perhaps, in the immortal words of Dawn M., maybe one day be considered the best invention ever made.