A. Robert Lee is such a wide-ranging author in both his creative and academic books that I won’t try to characterize his writings other than to say they invariably illuminate life and literature with a wealth of scholarship, intelligence, and linguistic mastery. I will add, however, that his sense of humor is one aspect of his writings that I most treasure.
In this brief excerpt from Everywhere You Look, just released by Moloko Plus, his deceptively polite, understated satire is so clear that no more need be said.
Delivery Service
Black Country Porcelain Ltd.
Dudley UK (Temporary)
Trading Across Europe
If you check Invoice 79999950 you’ll see that our order for Regency pottery was sent last November just before the floods.
It was for a set of what your brochure calls “Prince of Wales Specials.” Dance miniatures of gentlemen in period frockcoats and ladies in hoops and bonnets. We have been long-time fans since honeymooning in Florida at Disney World. My wife thought it would make a great decoration for the back parlor which overlooks the Birmingham commuter line.
Imagine our shock when your delivery man turned up with what I assume was someone else’s special order. Namely a set of (and I quote) “copulating pythons.”
The accompanying catalogue lists the following: “Fergie’s Toe,” “Blood Cleavage,” and a Spring discount on “Dead Meerkats” and “Bridge of Thighs.” All by some artist called Demi-Hurst. Some artist indeed.
These may be pearls or even oysters for your other clientele but it came as a shock to my wife and I, and even to her mother who retired ten years ago as a drum majorette with the Gurkhas and now lives in our attic. Her very words were “worse than anything you could see in Bhutan or the Himalaya Foothills.”
I don’t know how your 7-Day Return policy works but we expect a full refund.
These works do a disservice to everyday suburban life. Our own children have long gone their own way (our son is in the Strangeways prison service, our daughter a trainee coder at college in Berwick Upon Tweed). But had they cast eyes on this so-called “art” when young, then heaven knows how they might have turned out. Likely sociologists or vegans. This was a long time before wellness clinics and round the clock pilates.
In the name of decency, I hope you will think better of allowing orders of this kind to travel the nation’s delivery services.
Yours most faithfully
Rev. Canon Tobias Axelrod, Rtd.
