DOES JUDY GOT A GIMMICK?

Is Judith Miller grandstanding? When she went to jail rather than testify about her confidential sources in the Plame case, did she go as a matter of principle or because she thought it was a good career move? Only Judy knows. But put the question that way — some of Miller’s critics have — and you get into Ethel Merman territory, i.e.: David Ehrenstein’s riff on “Rose’s Turn,” from “Gypsy.”

David E. adjusts the lyrics (with apologies to Arthur Laurents, Jule Styne and Stephen Sondheim) and calls the number “Judy’s Turn.” It’s clever, and funny, and my staff of thousands thinks it’s apt. But you have to hear Merman sing the original and know where David E. is coming from to fully appreciate the riff.
Now comes Chris Schneider, a Straight Up reader, putting more “Gypsy” material to Miller-ite purposes. This time the lyrics have been adjusted from “You Gotta Get a Gimmick,” which was performed in the original Broadway show by Faith Dane. Schneider writes, “Since David’s reaction to it was very positive, I thought I’d take a chance and pass the results on to you.”
So here tiz, untitled (but copyrighted):
You can pull all the stops out
Till Bill Goldman pops out,
Make with the mouth till you’re blue …
But Ya Gotta Look Like Redford
If you wanna get your due.
You can activate your aggro
Till they start a S.A.G. row,
Spiel till they reel at Elaine’s …
But Ya Gotta Look Like Redford
Just to justify your pains.
You can “blah,” you can “blah,” you can “blah blah blah”;
That’s how “Front Page” got made.
So you “blah” and you “blah” and you “blah blah blah …”
And just hope that you’ll get paid.
Put your trust in Pakula
And pray you look spec-tac-ulah
(Not like that head in Nichols’ “Heartburn”);
Just radiate like Redford
And p’raps they’ll call it “Judy’s Turn.”
Possible interlude for Nora and Delia Ephron:
Judy,
You’d best take our tip,
You’re not built like Cher,
You haven’t Streep’s zip.
Judy,
The press corps won’t flip.
We’ll warn you, we’re fair …
Just button your lip.
© by Chris Schneider
Schneider calls himself a “writer on the performing arts” — “read: theater critic whose job was pulled out from under him” — currently working as “a dramaturge and all-purpose know-it-all” for a theater company in San Diego. He’s also “a bass-baritone, a jazz enthusiast, and someone unashamed (almost) of his love of musical comedy.” He claims Cole Porter was “one of the three fairies surrounding [his] cradle, ‘Sleeping Beauty’-style.” His “Higher Power” is listed under the name “Sarah Vaughan.” And he was born on the same day as Gloria Grahame in the same town as Dennis Cooper — “both of whom have been role models for safe ‘n’ sane behavior ever since.”
Just for the record: I part company with my staff of thousands. I think Miller is doing something right by going to jail. Even if it is a good career move, even if she secretly were to regard her incarceration as penance for the propagandized reporting she did on WMD in Iraq, which the regime used to justify the Iraq invasion, and even if the sources she’s protecting are, ironically, high government officials who are liars serving a rotten U.S. regime, her willingness to go to jail still stands for the principle of a free press. And yet … and yet … the Miller tale keeps getting curiouser and curiouser.

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