It’s time for the Labor Day Weekend. But don’t leave just yet. In a minute-by-minute rundown
of last night’s ultraslick, ultraridiculous, ultra-important MTV Video
Music Awards, Ryan McGee has again
demonstrated his encyclopedic knowledge of, and appropriately cynical attitude to, the kulcha of
pop.
His real-time
review, a race “against the clock and Meta Carpal
Syndrome,” is a circus feat that you might think lowfalutin stuff. But I hope you notice the astute
references — clever, intricate, some more arcane than others, but all apt and insightful. It’s a
summa cum laude display of essential knowledge for anyone who wants to understand America,
dude.
Fortified by a “super-sized Double Quarter Pounder” from
McDonald’s and “the 460-ounce cup that comes with it” (apparently for his bottle of
Bacardi), McGee settled in for the show and, like a true fan, the pre-show. Here are some
selected highlights:
EXCERPTS FROM THE PRE-SHOW
REVIEW
6:56 pm: Sweet Mary Mother of
God. Christina Aguilera killed the flamingos from “Fantasia 2000” and is wearing their
skins. That ain’t right.
7:14 pm: Kim Cattrall is inexplicably in this
Eminem/50 Cent montage. She’s like, the hottest 84-year-old ever. I can’t even believe she’s the
girl in “Mannequin.” That came out in 1926, I think.
7:20 pm: Does anyone know who actually
nominates and/or votes on these awards? My theory is that MTV just goes out to an Arby’s at
like 3 am and finds a few drunk people. It makes as much sense as any other
theory.
7:45 pm: OK, this can’t be topped. John Norris
just called Ludacris “Luda” without being ironic and asked him “how many G’s” his coat set him
back. OK, John, enough’s enough. Isn’t this why we have Homeland Security? To take out people
who are harmful to my way of life? If John Norris has a job next year, then the terrorists have
already won.
EXCERPTS FROM THE SHOW REVIEW
8:00 pm: They’ve recreated the
original set for Madonna’s 1984 “Like a Virgin” performance. A veiled woman appears atop the
cake. Lessee … amazingly off-key voice, sounds a bit like she’s out of breath already … hey, it’s
Britney Spears. She doesn’t even have to take the veil off for me to know that.
8:02 pm: She’s joined onstage by Christina
Aguilera. Yes, these two are singing “Like a Virgin.” The entire country shouts at their television:
“How the HELL would you know?”
8:03 pm: Madonna appears. Furthering
understanding and smashing stereotypes, the cameras cut immediately to the cast of “Queer Eye.”
I’m watching Jai’s temple burst from excitement on live television.
8:04 pm: So let me get this straight: Madonna
co-opted these two girls, put them in skanky wedding dresses, and then MAKES OUT with them?
Whew. For a second I thought Madonna was doing all this as a desperate attempt at relevance,
clinging to her last 5 minutes of fame like a wounded tiger, but I was wrong.
8:05 pm: History may shed light on what
Missy was doing out there, but personally, I’m at a loss.
8:06 pm: Well, that was weird. Kinda like
MTV’s version of “The Balcony.”
MOVING RIGHT ALONG
8:21 pm: Missy Elliot’s “Work
It” wins. Excellent. It’s good to see proper recognition for a song that deals with one of the most
pressing problems today: the economy. Missy’s cry for job creation and economic stimulus
packages is to be commended. What? It’s not about that? What is it about? Oh. Um. Nevermind
then.
8:41 pm: More awards that were announced
during the pre-show: “Best Use of An Artist Currently in Prison,” “Best Jailbait Video,” and “The
Only Five Songs in Rotation Not Produced by Timbaland or The Neptunes.”
8:49 pm: Wait, Christina AGAIN? Didn’t we
already fulfill our community service requirement during the first number? …
9:10 pm: P. Diddy wants us to pay respect to
the memory of Barry White and Gregory Hines. He also announces that his next single will
feature Barry White singing over Hines’ tapdancing featuring a special verse from Notorious
B.I.G. and a guitar solo from Robert Johnson.
9:18 pm: Whoa. Watching 50 Cent try to
make an acceptance speech is a little like watching a 2nd grader freeze up in his/her first school
play. Only the 2nd grader in this case is completely high.
THERE’S MORE
9:21 pm: We’re nearly 90
minutes into the show, and no Enrique sightings yet. So far, so good.
9:50 pm: OK, I’m just gonna say this and move
on: Jack Black is the guy that everyone pretended Chris Farley was. Man’s just amazing. Can’t
wait for “The School of Rock.” I’d pay $10 to watch this guy read the phone
book.
9:51 pm: If you can watch the video for
“Seven Nation Army” and not vomit, you’re got a better stomach than I do.
9:53 pm: Linkin Park stuns the crowd and
wins “Best Rock Video.” Stuns them because everyone appears to have assumed they had already
disbanded. (My only guess here is that the same demographic that eats at Arby’s also likes Linkin
Park.) Our attention spans are so short that MTV has planned to do the intro number as the
closing one and is counting on no one noticing.
10:00 pm: Duran Duran, Kelly Osbourne, and
Avril Lavinge. Or, as I like to call them, “The Supergroup That Nobody Asked For, Nobody
Wants, and Really, It Would Make Most People More Comfortable If You Just Left
Quickly.”
WE’RE ALMOST HOME
10:35 pm: Beyonce accidentally
has wandered into a bad college modern dance piece and is now surrounded by a bunch of dudes
who are covered head to toe in black. More than a bit odd. Next up: girls dancing around
in pillowcases, just watch.
10:37 pm: So, lemmee get this straight: They
bleep out the word “blunt” but do a loving, up-close-and-personal, 25-girl, ass-shaking pan with
the camera, so close I know what kind of wax they got this morning? American morals, people.
They’re faaaaaaaaaantastic.
10:45 pm: Anyone else think that Britney
Spears and Madonna have just been making out backstage for the last 3 hours, hoping someone
would notice? Just me then? OK.
11:01 pm: Metallica just played 30-second
instrumental versions of Lenny Kravitz’s “Are You Gonna Go My Way?,” Nirvana’s “Smells Like
Teen Spirit,” The White Stripes’ “Seven Nation Army,” and Michael Jackson’s “Beat It.” I don’t
even need to put a joke here, do I? Like shooting fish in a barrel.
we didn’t have to. Let’s give it up for a man with an iron constitution and a
mind of steel.
