So, a few posts back I turned up the volume on an internal debate I was having between “intellectual” and “real world” creation. I got off on a rant because I was anxious about spending so much quality time with just my computer, and I was looking to get a little physical.
Since then, I have spun right round like a record. Obama may be on course for a smooth transition, but I am feeling a little lost while locking in on future goals.
This may be a bit of a red herring, but a major tripping point in my thought process has come down to the fact that I am a woman.**
It wasn’t until I turned 30, got married, and moved out of New York City that I confronted sexism head on (though thankfully, in my case, the overall dent has been minor). But even though I bring home an equal paycheck and can use my own power tools just fine, thank you very much, I admittedly feel held to and actually enjoy some traditional stereotypes: I like to cook and make things that people use–and use up. It’s a matriarchal work tradition, and I march in that parade with joy in my heart and conflict in my head. A lovely meal is, after all, eaten, and while it may not be forgotten, it won’t enter the canon of great art no matter how carefully I blog about it. And maybe that’s just fine. It sure does add to the quality of life and the household’s Gross National Happiness quotient. But then I retire with my after dinner drink to the living room, surrounded by our collection of great literature, and wonder if I’m apportioning my energies well. While I’m baking my own bread, I’m not pitching a new article to an editor. Looking further down the road, that’s not even starting on what adding children to this mix will mean.
Women have been confronting these questions for decades and finding a balance point for themselves one way or another. In the 21st century, there are probably quite a few men having similar debates. But it seems to me that the creative sector, especially in the Internet age, braids the line between home life and professional productivity in ways other professions don’t, and I’m surprised by how few models I have to look to as I make these decisions for myself. How are you working your creative mojo to make art, a happy family, and a satisfied self a reality? What helped you find your balance point?
** Related: Encouragingly, people are having more success making a real living off of their creative pursuits, but women
artists are statistically paid less for their work than men.
I’m lucky that my professional life happens in my home – I can let bread rise, while I write.
I love combining the two, actually. Cooking is a zen thing for me, it takes my mind to a different place than writing does. It’s so satisfying to make something and to have people happy that you’ve made something. A true thrill. I’m sure this is because I came to cooking later in life and there’s no family around my heels clamouring to be fed.
It also probably helps that I get to work at what I love, that it is creative – all that energy moving toward the same thing…
Molly notes: Thanks, Lindsay. That’s inspiring. I write out of my house most days too, but somehow lately I just feel like there are too many things going at once and if I spent more time concentrating on fewer, I would be doing everyone and everything a service. Also, I’d be less bitchy. But what to cut out? Thanks for reminding me that maybe I should just be counting the blessing that I have the opportunity to do what I do every day.
You are not kidding about adding kids to the mix. Assuming you don’t get post-partum depression or develop other health problems as many women do, the sleep deprivation does terrible things to your brain in the short run. It’s very important to be prepared to devote a lot of energy to your kids in the first few years, or feel good about hiring someone to do it for you (assuming you can afford that). Please do not kid yourself that your life will be at all the same after they arrive. How you raise them has a big effect on how easy and happy your life is with them of course.
Check out Elizabeth Gaskell for a model. She wasn’t Charlotte Bronte. But hey, she lived longer. She balanced being a minister’s wife, a Victorian housewife with kids, with a writing career (and she didn’t have a private office). Her novels may not be A list but they’re still being read and adapted to film.
One thing to remember is that when your brain and your attention span feel shattered, all is not lost – you can retrain yourself to focus deeply for long periods. I have done it.
However – I have a 7 year old and a 4 year old, never had paid help other than ‘date night’ babysitters, finished a novel on the dining room table this year, have several stories out to journals and another on the burner, and do copyediting to the sound of Wow Wow Wubbzy in the next room. Can be done.
I like the mix too. When I stall out with writing, I find it very helpful to scrub or cook or weed – it’s like going for a walk, occupying part of my attention often frees up the jam in my brain and then I can circle back.
I also have no shame about opening a can or nuking frozen leftovers when I just don’t feel like cooking. Or telling the kids to go amuse themselves, I have to work for an hour. Or asking my husband to pick up more housework. He takes care of the kids as well as I can, can get meals on the table, and it’s his job to feed them breakfast, vacuum, tidy up in the evenings, do the dinner dishes, recycle, wash the kitchen floor, and bring us tea after the kids are in bed (by 8 so we have marital conversation and reading time). The kids can dress themselves, tidy up, put dirty dishes in the sink, get their sheets in the washer. Of course I have frequently ignored housework to finish a novel or meet a writing deadline.
Next year both my kids will be in school and 5 hour uninterrupted work days will be mine. I can’t wait. And I will be here with snacks and etc when they get home (I was a latchkey kid, this is important to me).
The trouble comes when you feel you’re doing thankless work because of external pressures, when you’d rather be doing something else. This happens anyway with kids sometimes, but that can be balanced out in the longer run.
Molly responds: Thank you so much for kicking in these guiding points and personal success stories, Sara. Boy, do I know how you are not kidding about the kids, er, well, at least from what I’ve learned from watching other awesome parents. I never paid much attention to the “to have or not to have” question until I got married. Immediately, just to muddy the waters a bit, ten friends simultaneously announced their good news. Children are perhaps the ultimate human creation—look, we *made* a person!–and I feel that deeply. However I’ve seen what a huge chunk of the day’s time, attention, energy (physical and spiritual), and resources even the most healthy, well-adjusted children rightfully demand, and the moms I know work fulltime outside the home (doctors and lawyers and such) on top of that. They have great husbands and supportive families, and yet even the most progressive still count on a mom to walk through the door at 6 p.m., pick up the child, cook a meal, do the laundry, and radiate a general level of Donna Reed goodness. I get exhausted just paging through their day planners, but looks like you’ve achieved balance. I’m taking your point that sometimes dinner is not going to look like it came out of Sunset magazine or there might be some clutter in the living room and yet the world will not come to an end. I will post it above my desk and try and chill out a little bit.