Like the far more celebrated Nobel Prizes, the Darwin
Awards have just been announced. Unlike the Nobels, however, the Darwins
honor people who improve the human gene pool “by removing themselves from it. Of necessity,
this honor is bestowed posthumously.”
This year’s nominees, according to Insight
magazine (which describes itself as a sister publication of the Washington
Times), included:
+ A man who used a shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriend’s windshield and
accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged. (Reported by the San Jose Mercury
News)
+ A man whose death was caused by his own gas emissions in a room with no ventilation.
“An autopsy showed large amounts of methane gas in his system,” it was reported. “His diet had
consisted primarily of beans and cabbage.” Three rescuers who responded to the
emergency were sickened by the gas “and one was hospitalized.” (Reported by Bloomberg
News Services)
+ A man on death row who electrocuted himself while trying to fix a small TV set as he sat
on a metal toilet seat in his cell. (Reported by News of the Weird, a syndicated newspaper column
by Chuck Shepard)
+ A man who used a cigarette lighter to look down the barrel of a .54-caliber muzzleloading
weapon he was cleaning. The gun discharged in his face and killed him. (Reported by the
Indianapolis Star)
The 2004 Darwin Award, in a departure from tradition, was awarded to a pair of Arkansas
men who did not die. As reported by the Arkansas Democrat Gazette, they used a .22 caliber
bullet to replace the headlight fuse on their pickup truck.
“The bullet apparently overheated, discharged and hit one of the men in the testicles,” Insight
notes. While neither man died in the crash that resulted, they were awarded the prize because one
of them “DID, in fact, effectively remove himself from the gene pool.” (Who said Insight
magazine’s right-wing ideologues have no sense of humor?)
The rules of the Darwins require that “nominees
significantly improve the gene pool by eliminating themselves from the human race in an obviously
stupid way,” writes Wendy Northcutt, a Stanford University junior scientist who founded the
awards in 1994. “They are self-selected examples of the dangers inherent in a lack of common
sense, and all human races, cultures, and socioeconomic groups are eligible to compete.”
Winners must meet the following criteria:
Reproduction: Out of the gene pool: dead or
sterile.
Excellence: Astounding misapplication of
judgment.
Self-Selection: Cause one’s own demise.
Maturity:
Capable of sound judgment.
Veracity: The event must be true.
Northcutt concedes that the Darwin Awards are “tasteless” and “macabre.”
